Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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