i will never coherently bang her
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
