so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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