Your face is a jimmy john
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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