i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
