No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I faked an abortion last night.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
