can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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