dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
