The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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