So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
