Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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