im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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