I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
