Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
