fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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