Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize
