I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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