I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
