If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize