The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
