So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
