who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
