why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Randomize
