watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
