I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
