What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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