My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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