Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I think my fart just growled at me.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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