I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
