Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
