I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
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