using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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