piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
