i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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