I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
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