i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize