Sponge bath it is.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
