I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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