I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
