hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
