You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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