After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
