we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
