Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
