just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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