I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
