i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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