Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
