It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
