Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
