we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
