btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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