You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
