i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Vodka?
Forever.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
