first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
