Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
