so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I wish life had little blips of pornography
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
