She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
