i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
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