and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize