you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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